Here's something I wrote in my journal recently that I felt like posting...

God doesn't need me. See, because need determines value. I really "need" a drink. So, I seek after it and apprecieate it only as long as I'm thirsty. After that, the water is not as needed, not as important-it may even be tossed aside. So, luckily God does not need me.

I have come to realize a deep longing in myself to be considered a beautiful person. No, not one of the "beautiful" (fake) people, but a really beautiful person. But, I'm beginning to see now that at the root of this desire is a fundemental lack of an understanding of an eternal God and self. Ulitimate worth could never be placed on something as temporal as a body that is destined to return to such a commonplace item as dust. How dissatisfying to place my hopes on a body that is "outwardly wasting away" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

Why would I even WANT people to like me for my looks? They are daily fading and if beauty is fleeting, I am sure to be left in misery.

The desire to be considered more beautiful than others is a misunderstanding of being made in the image of God. All people hold the same value in the reality that will proceed after this life. No amount of money, education, or skin care products will ever change that. Wow, what a lie consumerism is feeding me.

Let's be brutally honest. I don't run to honor the body as a temple of the holy spirit (although I hope that's my reasoning in the future). I don't run to keep my cardio in good shape. I run because I want great legs, and I want to be better than you. It sounds pretty terrible when you put it out there like that doesn't it? But, you know it's true. In our hearts we have a sense of entitlement. I DESERVE your attention, your compliments, and your admiration. I deserve blessings from God. Isn't that what we think? But, that mentality is already destroyed in the first 4 words of the Bible. "In the beginning God." This isn't about humans. This is about God's divine drama-not ours. Why do bad things happen to good peple? (what good people by the way...?) Because it's not about people. It's about God. If you allow your heart to begin to crack open to this, you will suddenly lose that sense of entitlement, and realize being beautiful really doesn't matter at all.

What a marvelous lie we have all believed.

In my head

At least once a day, I write a brilliant post to put up on this blog. The problem is, I write it in my head. I can only use the computer at school, at my parent's or at the library, and as soon as I sit in one of those places, I lose all desire to write creatively. So, instead I just think...nevermind. But, seriously, you should have read the brilliant things that I wrote in my head last week. You'd be amazed. :)

This week I was asked this question "If you met a guy that you liked a lot, would you ever even consider dating or marrying someone?" Then, not two days later I was informed of this information: "I think you have such a strong desire to have a man in your life, that sometimes I'm afraid you'll go for one that's not a good guy." WHAT? How could I possibly be putting out both of these vibes. I'm not putting out either of them! I think that these two people don't understand me what-so-ever, and are trying desparately to put me in a box that they understand.

So, I'm going to North Carolina next week, and I am going to be incredibly busy right up until the moment I get there. Life is good, but moving at a break-neck pace. Raising support for the summer, looking for a job for the fall, trying to save money, and keep a clean apartment, and live simply, and do a good job at work, and pray and read, and go running, and make deep friendship with people who are so different than I am. It all takes so much energy! I look foward to spending some time relaxing in North Carolina with people who have known me for a long time and understand me better.

Change.

I rarely cry. In fact, almost never. However, I just cried at work...in front of two women I've never met to make that fact more horrifying. I'm keeping it together right now, but I can't wait to get in my car and let loose.

Excuse me if I fake keeping my self together. I am lost in the flood of adulthood.

Good weekend coming up

This Friday night 2 bands that I like a lot from Indiana are coming to Cincinnati to play a show at one of my favorite coffee shops. My friend lined up 6 bands, four of which are friends of mine, and so I'm doing everything I can to get lots of people to come. One of the bands (which has 7 members) is staying at our apartment that night, so our place will certainly be packed out!

I went to "fight night" on Sunday night just to see what the boys are always talking about, and it was pretty intense. (I can't believe how many people are UFC fans!) I felt super uncomfortable at first, but sadly got used to seeing them black out and bloody each other pretty quickly. I was mostly just shocked at the fact that they were encouraging their 5 and 6 year old boys to watch with them, and are constantly stirring in them that it is acceptable to punch and fight and do what needs to be done to be tough. I guess being "tough" isn't very high on my list of important things! I don't like a wussy anymore than anyone else, but a 5 year old boy saying things like "I'm going to knock the enamel out of your head" followed by everyone laughing is sort of disturbing to me.

You want to know the truth about something? I'll be honest and joke around all day long about things that don't matter to me...but the deep areas of my heart are rarely available. I'm sorry to my best friends that I have never told secrets to. I'm working on it.

I get mad.

Sometimes I just get hopping mad. I feel like this happens to me more than to some of my friends-do I say "Oh, I have a bad temper" or am I honestly just really easily offended, and I just never knew? Or, is it that my friends are so opposite of me, and they think it's hilarious to get a rise out of me. Well, fine, congratulations, you got a rise out of me. I'm pissed and in a bad mood. You did a good job. Hooray. You win. That's the way I feel sometimes. I find myself walking out of a room and analyzing why I'm mad a lot. I didn't used to feel this way. I think it comes back to a root issue that I am constantly struggling with.

i hate being misunderstood.

It kills me. I rage against it. And yet, I spend so much of my life knowing that I think differently than most people in the room, it's ridiculous. I'm not saying I'm so special and whatever, I just feel like an outsider looking in a lot of times, and when it starts to get to me...I start to react in weird angry ways. Whatever-this is a stage just like anything else, and I'm sure I'll be fine in a week!

Killing me softly

I am filling out a 7 page application to go abroad this summer. It's slowly sucking the life out of me with administrative questions and things that make me feel stupid. "What other skills/training have you had?" oh, you mean, I'm supposed to have ANOTHER list outside of the education, jobs, and ministry opportunities I just had to list? Geez, I'm fresh out. Apparently I'm not good at enough things to fill out forms. And, oh yeah, quit freaking asking me how long I have been a member at my church. I've never been a member at any church, and I never will be. I dont' even believe in that. And, it cracks me up that they ask me for job experience since high school. I have 6 part time employers at this very moment...do I need to list more than that???

Anyway...Lent is upon us, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be giving up. Do I have something that is really important to me that I should give up? I'm open to suggestions. My dad says I should only say nice things to people. I said..."Then I'd never get to say anything." sigh. He's probably right.

Getting better...sort of?

Well, I think things are better than last week...or maybe my attitude is just better? I'm not sure. I had a really great day yesterday and spent a LOOONG time talking with a friend, and worked through some good stuff! On the bad side, I discovered that my feeling that some girls didn't like me is true...they don't! So, that is stupid, and hopefully will be fixed soon. But, on the good side, the weather is almost 50 degrees! The snow is melting! Art class was fun today! I owe tons of taxes. boo. My brother is at home....sort of? I am making head-way on my summer plans slowly but surely...Jesus is great, even when no one else is, and there is a sweet concert going on tonight. How's that for stream of consciousness writing?

This weekend I am going to be at Indiana Wesleyan University for a concert, and then a big movie night on Saturday night...hooray! I think I drank too much coffee. My brain is malfunctioning.