torn

I am torn between two aspects of my own personality. I have such an intense desire to go to new places, meet new people, and be on a constant adventure...and then the other side of me kicks in-with this overwhelming cry for a place where my friends surround me and I can be so comfortable. I realize this will not happen until I get to Heaven, but I long for it just the same.
I am so freaking tired of talking on the phone to my best friends that I could spit.

I keep on imagining this wondeful day, and hoping that it will come soon, before my heart splits into two...this is what it looks like. I guess there are two words that would describe it: "reckless abandonment." I want to wear shorts, and flip-flops, and my hair in a bandanna, and feel like the most beautiful thing in the whole world while I'm doing that. I want to run around in the sun, and fly a kite, and enjoy the smallest things with the greatest amount of joy. I want to walk next to my closest friend, and not think a self-conscious thought even once the whole day. That's what best friends do you know...they allow you to throw off your reputation-gaining stunts, and cover-ups and just to laugh until your stomach hurts. Why does that seem so very far from the present time? Mostly because of that friend part I think. I can wait other month for warmer days...but I hate to think of waiting another month for a freedom among friends. I am SO thankful for the friends that I have been blessed with here...but I just feel like they are so ...what's the word...cautious to the point of draining. I was not made with a mind that keeps my heart guarded...I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's so tiring to make sure I'm not being too silly, or too abstract, or too anything. I just want my friends that know me, and I guess this weekend made that seem so far away.
On the other hand-that just means this weekend was good-because I had a taste of that, a sense of the familiar, and of being appreciated. I laughed, and talked with people I care about, and some who I wish I didn't care about, but can't seem to let slide.
The weather was amazing, and I took pictures of the Indiana contryside while I drove. Safe, I'm sure. I saw a favorite band...check out anathallo.com if you have the time-it's fantastic. I saw old friends, old hang-outs, and realized how amazing college was all over again.
I need a job. I'm tired of being broke.